Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Please watch the first installment of our most recent filming, and stay away from the Flamin' Hots!
Don't forget to mail new questions to firstname.lastname@example.org- it gives us an excuse to live and punish our organs.
Friday, June 6, 2008
"A prodigious shit"
It could also work as a fun description of a person. I should like at some point in my life to meet a scrapper who I could easily sum up as a "prodigious shit". Looking back, I'm sure that I've met a few.
Last night, Grant said that he was "fucking splendid". "What a cute adjective", I replied, "I haven't heard that in a while." "Yeah it's great", he said, "but I only like to use it with something profane- dirty it up a bit." "Good call. Splendid on its own would be a bit too twee." nI'm surprised I don't use the word more often- it's a very "me" adjective, if, in fact, an adjective can be a "me adjective".
Somehow this devolved into a chat about getting the word "splendid" tattooed on your forehead, but suffering massive burns on your face or having a dog chew off your nose, leaving "splendid" permanently snarking at your fleshy facial misfortune in a suspended state of unsettling sick corporeal humor.
On the train I watched an overweight middle school girl play fighting rather aggressively with several male classmates on their way home. Clearly this was a result of the failure of language, the impossibility of communication between these kids- a punch instead of a flirt. The boy will hold her hand only when he is restraining her surprisingly hard blows, a touch that otherwise would not happen.
I imagine two well dressed people sitting having a conversation in which what wants to be said is never said- a confession or a plea is whitewashed by tersely breezing through the mundane. Suddenly the pair start violently pummelling each other, and are somehow more satisfied for it, even though the proper words are not spoken.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Possible Histories: A Chain Reaction Leading to The Latest in an Unending Barrage of Video Series from a Mister Dennis M. Webber
Apparently it might have been me in a past life, which I wouldn't shrug off, because it was sort of what my parents wished I had been as a child, since I was a youngin' gifted with the precious gift of song.
Anyway, this video intersected with my love for this flickr account that has heaps of old French paper toys you can print out, and my work boredom, which frequently results in my printing and assembling these chintzy wonders (much to the confusion and amusement of my coworkers). This intersection collided with my Moleskine notebook, and resulted in this super amazing diorama:
So this diorama, which I think elicited even more curious stares from my coworkers (the image of toy soldiers gunning down an oversize child starlet is totally not weird at all!), collided with the tail end of a marijuana high, which resulted in the creation of the following video and new AMAZING VIDEO SERIES from yours truly, called POSSIBLE HISTORIES! Watch and enjoy!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Enjoy, and don't forget to send in new questions to email@example.com
In other news...
It's IML in Chicago this week, which I was completely clueless about. My queries for my queer brethren asking what the hell "IML" is, were met with a sort of "if you have to ask, you'll never know" attitude. Finally, I learned that the rather sterile sounding "IML" is an anagram for International Mister Leather, which is basically a giant fetish beauty pagent.
Imagine Living Dolls with a lot more grunting, and a cowhide smell in the air...
Anyway, this curious competition brings all sorts of queer riff-raff to this town, including good ol' Erik Rhodes, who I wrote about recently. I saw the sad porn star mess while I was out at a bar last night, and proceeded to flap at my friends to direct their attention to the massive orange skinned dude in the corner.
"It's Erik Rhodes!"
My cry was met by a gaggle of confused faces.
You know, this dude.
"He's the porn star dude who was fucking Marc Jacobs- I've skinned off to him like a million times?" -a statement that confirmed that I probably spend too much much time checking gossip sites and watching porn.
My friends still had no clue who he was. "I only watch amateur", chirped a cronie. "Yeah x tube is heaven", piped another. And then they all proceeded to babble about grainy home porn, while my eyes remained stuck on Rhodes. I had to say something to him- I mean he has helped me through some rough times, his blog is a fascinating trainwreck, and he totally schtupped Marc Jacobs, how could I not pick this dude's brain for a second...as much as you can pick somebody's brain when you've had a few too many manhattans and you're in a loud crowded gay bar.
But just like that, Rhodes vanished- rushed away by a gaggle of twinks!
I returned to my group, who were still chatting it up about the glories of self-produced porn, and commenced my evening. But my chances for a mini-interview with Rhodes were not spoiled! While walking around later in the evening, I spotted him at a corner table being swarmed by a bunch of twinks who were probably looking to share diseases with him after the bar closed. I grabbed my friend by the hand, looked him in the eye with a curious manhattan fueled fire and said, "We're having a conversation with Erik Rhodes!"
With said friend in tow, I charged over to Rhodes' table breaking through the wall of gelled hair pretty boys to the man-mess himself, and offered my hand.
"You're an inspiration."
"I'm Dennis and this is my friend Nick."
"I'm Dean." (or dan or something...I forgot which name he used, but he used a fake name or a real name...who knows with porn stars)
Dude was actually quite nice, very genial, down to earth- it was sort of like talking to the benevolent high school QB, who happens to like it up the butt.
We asked him what brought him to Chicago, and he said he was here for IML, which he's been coming to for a while, "I got nominated six times, and I still haven't won anything!" To which my friend quipped "You're like the Susan Lucci of leather." He just looked at us with a vacant smile, "who's that?" So Nick and I, who were pretty surprised that he knew nothing of the spurned soap star, told him all about Susan Lucci.
Then he told me, "You remind me of my friend Cazwell!"
I'm not sure if being linked to a bratty gay rapper is for me, but whatever...
This spiraled into me mentioning that I love Amanda Lepore, who's in Cazwell's music videos and he told some Amanda stories, which somehow made me want to talk about Leigh Bowery, but for some reason I couldn't remember his name. After trying to remember his name I gave up...and henceforth gave up on Erik Rhodes. What else was left to discuss? His stellar performances? I didn't dare ask him about the Marc Jacobs stuff, for fear that he'd deck me... What does one chat about with a porn star?
He smiled and said "I'm really drunk."
"Me too" I chimed, and scurried away.
Thank you, David, thank you...
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Ubiquitous Bedding: Grappling with the Complexities of the Universe Via Petty Plagiarism and Ikea Omnipresence
Please note the convergence...
Does this mean choice is defunct in the modern consumer world? My unique sleepytime experience is in fact a grand nothing? Am I thus closer with Tracie "Slut Machine" Egan? Do I have the same dreams as Top Model Fatima when I enter my REM cycles?
My head is spinning- I think I need to go lie down on my mass produced linens...
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org let me know if you are interested in taking part in this project or know anybody else who might be as well.
Floozies tackling animal issues:
Floozies solving the restless leg mystery:
Be sure to send in new questions to email@example.com so we can give you the bestest birthday edition of Floozy FAQ EVER!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
HE'S IN A WOODEN TEEPEE!
I'd venture to say that this is the most exciting signing ST has done since they brought their first lady on board, the very very talented Georgia Anne Muldrow (why haven't you listened to her yet?).
And boy does he deliver (in that whiteboy making r&b in his bedroom kind of way)- LISTEN TO SOME TUNES:
Check out the downtown81 conga shuffle prom of "I Think We're Through"
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Some suit/evil screenwriter/hackneyed took this formulaic moment and crash landed it in the elementary school auditorium. Sappy kiddieshow moments are cerainly nothing new (old musicals abound with this shit), but as any veteran of the forced school production knows, the shit that wound up in these movies couldn't be further from the awkward unprofessional slopfest that makes up some musical reivew based on past presidents of or Halloween chintz.
You may have seen this clip I posted earlier from homo-lite stinkfest The Object of My Affection:
The real tell is that kid who pops up around the 40 second mark, who simply cannot conceal his enthusiasm for the literal choreography.
If this moment were real this kid would be standing there bored as hell or with outward defiance of his forced performance. This is probably a more appropriate image:
Now that we set that record straight, I do have to give them credit for keeping something real- that cute little rodent of a girl who hops out to give her solo, which sends Jennifer Aniston on a joygasm she probably hasn't equaled since that very moment. That girl is totally the annoying chipmunk voiced overachieving performer that eveybody in the class totally hates. She gets the parts with the most lines, she gets to do her dumb solo in the desiree song, and Paul Rudd tooooootally loves her. Most kids hated this kind of girl, not so much out of jealousy (like her mom would have her believe), but because she is super annoying and her infantile voice makes your eardrums want to overdose on muzak to kill the pain it inflicts.
Regardless, I don't think anybody has been to such a disgustingly falsely uplifting kiddie review such as this.
Although I must admit, dear readers, that this bit is nothing...things can get a whole lot worse...a whoooole lot worse....
Ok, so this opening clip from Toys isn't actually a depiction of a school production, but it's basically the creepy uncle to that trend. I guess this is supposed to warm your cold heart for the holiday season, but it just makes me feel inexplicably uncomfortable...The tree singers? The dumb Wendy and Lisa song? The reindeer humping at 1.28? What the hell is going on?!?! This has to be stopped!
Finally I wanted to prove a point that Hollywood would also stir up the laughable fantasy that school productions had enormous budgets to lavish on extravagent sets and lighting, like the performance of Peter Pan at the beginning of the movie Hook, but I cannot find a clip of that scene on youtube. So I'll make it up to you by showing you the most nauseating moment of movie song EVER featured in that movie.
Something tells me this consistently flat breathy nightmare of a pixie might be related to nasaly jumpy pants from the Desiree clip.
So where am I going with this?
Well, an old teacher of mine sent me a DVD of a musical version of Treasure Island that my 8th grade class did. Re-watching this video made me recall all these lousy aformentioned clips, and how in actuality kiddie performances are mostly awkward low budget marathons of generally unenthusiastic youngsters powering through pieces of performance poo.
I'll be throwing together a few videos detailing the uncomfortable product of sticking a bunch of pimply mid-adolescents in pirate outfits and making them sing to a midi back track.
Before I dish out the pain, I decided to make a nice homage both to the stage magic of my youth and this terrible cinematic trend...sort of a heartwarming intro before the embarrassed tears begin to fall.
BEHOLD, NARRATIVE CATHARSIS! PEG LEGS!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Ok, kiddo...This is what its like when the mid-nineties blows an enourmous load all over your face:
I hope you have a wet nap on your person...
Friday, April 18, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Quite moving, no?
Listen kids, we're low on questions for the new episode- so you fuckers better get some problems and mail more questions to den.webber@gmail or we'll be sad and poor this April (we do get paid for this you know...).
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The background music, the bizarre metaphor, the masterfully modern framing, the name (my GOD, the name)- Precious Taft was an undiscovered 80s gem.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Pretty hardcore, right? The gator got posthumous revenge and RIPPED RIGHT THROUGH THAT FUCKER!
Gator sightings are nothing unusual for me- we once had a wee gator take a dip our pool at home, you can see them on every Florida golf course, and once a good family friend was called in by the police to identify an alligator she saw while running that later attacked and killed an old man (really, I'm not joking. Alligator homicide is the real deal in the F-L-A).
This little bit of BBC "badassery in nature" is actually a bit distressing though; it is actually a hardcore Aesop fable for the ecological shitstorm of modern times. The truth is that the pythons of the Everglades are only there because the serpent pets of hick kids in the Florida swamps got loose- they were never there before- that's yet another unfortunate imbalance in an ecosystem that's suffering from all the fucked up things the state government allows to happen to the 'glades. The news story is basically a mini-metaphor for the encroachment on swampy wonderland. I remember when I used to travel with my family to visit my grandmother from the West to the East coast along "Alligator Alley", a long highway that cuts through the state which gets its name for the reptiles that litter the swamps on the sides of the roads, I would pass the time on the drive by counting each alligators I saw- it was a long-ass drive. Now, crossing the state a lot of that gator land has been lost to new shitty Florida housing developments and other insta-build shitholes. It's actually pretty sad to see your home state go from a fucked up paradise to a fucked up stripmall due to the appetite of the proverbial python of "progress".
Perhaps once the endtimes come (so soon!) the gators will burst from our bellies and reclaim their homeland. In the meantime, I suppose people on those terrible touristy airboats should be more afraid of falling into the water and getting swallowed by a snake than getting chomped by an alligators.
The second part will be coming soon.
Keep mailing your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org- we're here to help.
Also! I promise I'll be doing some more serious updating on here soon. I feel like a deadbeat braindead dad to this blog.
I promise I'll make it better, son...I promise...
In the meantime I have to share my EXPLOSIVE EXCITEMENT over the upcoming criterion release (the first ever on DVD in the US...with Mr. Freedom too!!!) of classic 60's fashion satire, QUI ETES VOUS POLLY MAGOO!
I have been waiting for this moment for aaaaaaages. Please have a sneak peak at the opening scene in which French society ladies marvel at a mod mod modern "fashion" show featuring girls wearing what looks to be mangled slides from a playground-
Qui Etes Vous...is one of those films that manages to both subvert the fashion scene of its time while also being undeniably fresh and chic on its own terms.
Oooh oooh oooh Polly Magoo!
I'll be sure to put on my face when I go out and buy you!
Monday, March 31, 2008
1. Adieu Fair Sailor
2. Grave Neighbors
Saturday, March 29, 2008
3. Math Teacher Misses Man
4. Fashion Police in Greece
Hope you had a GOOOOOD MOMENT!
Email me at email@example.com if you want to join the fun.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Ailing Frozen Hunk-Schnitzel: Gay Porn Star Blog Review (will this turn into a series?) and Scary German Foodstuffs
It's a vicious cycle, people...
I don't know if you used to be addicted to those shows as much as I was, but if you didn't get the pleasure of seeing his infantile visage assaulting you from your TV, I must tell you that he was one of the most ANNOYING PEOPLE EVER ON MTV- which is, frankly, quite a fear since the dawn of The Hills. I hunted everywhere on the internet to find a video of him pitching a hissy, just so you could see HOW FUCKING OBNOXIOUS he was, but alas I have failed. He is so terrible that people wanted to erase him from the collective memory and keep him off of youtube.
Perhaps you should pick up some Galaxie 500, Erik? Maybe that might change everything...
Still, it's pretty sad to see somebody spiral downward. BUT HASN'T ANYBODY LEARNED ANYTHING FROM PORNSTARS PAST/BOOGIE NIGHTS!?!
"Hey! When did my 'Seehecht Filet' turn into my hangover face?!?"
It's actually a semi-brilliant/disconcerting look on how packaging can be a distraction from how FUCKING DISGUSTING contemporary packaged foods can be.
I wonder what Balut packaging would be like!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Anyway, here is the second part of our debut episode. I warn you now- it's ten times more raunchy than the last one...
The next episode will be coming soon, but we need you to keep us going. Send your burning questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, and help out two hot drunk things.
...two hot drunk things that WON'T QUIT!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Christine and Dennis got schwasties on Easter Eve and tried their best to answer the questions that have been troubling you do deeply. We had SO much to say, so I'll be releasing this episodes in two segments. Here is the first action packed installment for your enjoyment!
Did you cream your pants? I know I did.
Now buy me a beer.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The first challenge, asparagus and a fried egg, is documented in a video on the online episode overview, which you need to see not because Carlson's kitchen trials are particularly interesting, but because of his mad genius daughter who appears in the final 15 seconds and steals the show.
While eating the results of his labor, his yound daughter blurts out very matter of factly, "Should I be a mystery fish?", and stares at the camera with a cold glare while eating an asparagus spear- a look that seems to scream "THIS GIRL IS DESTINED TO BECOME A FANTASTIC ECCENTRIC NOVELIST!". It made my hour...
Also on that review is a mini gallery of the work of a woman who makes SCULPTURES OUT OF CHEESE! FOR MONEY! AND SHE'S THIN!
Perhaps you should pick up a food hobby today...
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Do you need advice about boys? Body hair? Pest control? Air fresheners?
Send in your questions to email@example.com straight away! We will be taping our first segment Friday evening, and we need your neediness to keep the good advice flowing.
HELP YOUR FRIENDS WHO NEED HELP WITH YOUR NEED FOR SELF HELP!
Stay tuned. Stay sober.
The Good Moment is basically a weird version of a fictional penpal network, in which people will find pictures taken by strangers, write a note on the back of the image as one of the people in the snapshot/somebody who has something to do with the photo, and finally mail the picture to another person in The Good Moment mailing network. Those notes and pictures will be scanned in and documented on this website, and if things progress nicely, hopefully its own website in the future. Here are the scans of what was sent out in the introductory round:
1: The Invitation/Rulebook
2: Denise's Safari
3: Debbie's School Portrait
4: Diane's Orthodontics
5: Maxine's Bridal Blowout
6: Frances' Babysitting Woes
7: Sisters Roughing It
8: Susan's Last Picture
Shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org with your address if you're interested in becoming a part of The Good Moment. I'll mail you out your first photo (sort of like doing one of those Sally Struthers help-a-kid programs) so you can get started.
Keep the dream alive!