Ailing Frozen Hunk-Schnitzel: Gay Porn Star Blog Review (will this turn into a series?) and Scary German Foodstuffs

Some of you may have heard of Eric Rhodes from various Marc Jacobs Gossip Reports or from a steady diet of gay porn (guess which camp I fall into). The hunky porno prince got a little spot on Gawker today, in which he received a wee bit o' pity from the site after being mocked in the prime of Jacobs-gate- giving him a sad hunk grunt status in their eyes. I suppose picking up a meth habit, a word weary outlook on life, and a heap of porno-regret is a surefire way to turn your 15 minute moonlight in Page Six, into a Dickensian dick filled shoddy redemption tale. I wish I could look at his blog with the same puppy dog eyes, but the onslaught of sex and drug fueled tales, which read like a sloppy high school dropout Edmund White, and amusing bits of unintentional hilarity leave me out of the pity party. And frankly, I feel that the urge to leave any encouragement in a comment or have a teardrop for him in my heart is probably just linked to my long running desire to bone him. Regardless the peculiarity of the super-voyeurism inherent in reading a porn star's blog has become my proverbial meth addiction on my afternoon of interneting.

Some of the amusing gems contained on Rhodes' recent entries are as follows:

1.

He models for Loehmann's?

2.

Rants about the porn industry and how it's sucked the life out of him are followed by exciting listings of his Grabby Porn Award nominations including:

"BEST RIMMING SCENE"

It's a vicious cycle, people...

3.

His recent lovelorn posts are not about Jacobs, no, no, no; he is heartbroken over his recent ex Danny Dias from MTV's Road Rules/Gauntlet/Inferno/Battle for Dignity/Oh God Why Did We Do This Show Battle. Do you remember him? This little plucky shit-

I don't know if you used to be addicted to those shows as much as I was, but if you didn't get the pleasure of seeing his infantile visage assaulting you from your TV, I must tell you that he was one of the most ANNOYING PEOPLE EVER ON MTV- which is, frankly, quite a fear since the dawn of The Hills. I hunted everywhere on the internet to find a video of him pitching a hissy, just so you could see HOW FUCKING OBNOXIOUS he was, but alas I have failed. He is so terrible that people wanted to erase him from the collective memory and keep him off of youtube.

If this twink o' terror spawned by MTV reality shows is your salvation from drugs and rimming awards, this, THIS is your true tragedy Erik Rhodes.

4.

The melodrama of his life-on-blog is enhanced by a soundtrack of Rhodes selected songs, which have the same deliciously terrible effect as an Evanescence song backing a tween show from a few years ago. The pain curated for our ears only makes his life seem that much more painful.
Perhaps you should pick up some Galaxie 500, Erik? Maybe that might change everything...

Still, it's pretty sad to see somebody spiral downward. BUT HASN'T ANYBODY LEARNED ANYTHING FROM PORNSTARS PAST/BOOGIE NIGHTS!?!

Why do these people have to start blogs and make me feel bad about my masturbation habits? I guess that's another case for amateur...

MOVING ON!

Some image algebra:

Martin Parr

+

Processed Foods

+

Germany

=

This amazing site, in which a German dude compares the images of processed preprepared German foods to the rather disgusting reality.

"Hey! When did my 'Seehecht Filet' turn into my hangover face?!?"

It's actually a semi-brilliant/disconcerting look on how packaging can be a distraction from how FUCKING DISGUSTING contemporary packaged foods can be.

Yech.

I wonder what Balut packaging would be like!

"Oh, this place looks cute!"

"OH GOD, NO!"

Happy Friday!

FLOOZY FAQ - EPISODE ONE PART DEUX

Floozy FAQ is officially everybody's favorite new internet show. This shit's hotter than Chris Crocker. This shits hotter than prisoners dancing to "Thriller". This shit's hotter than Al Gore...

Anyway, here is the second part of our debut episode. I warn you now- it's ten times more raunchy than the last one...

The next episode will be coming soon, but we need you to keep us going. Send your burning questions to den.webber@gmail.com, and help out two hot drunk things.
...two hot drunk things that WON'T QUIT!

FLOOZY FAQ - THE DEBUT!

That's right chickadees! The moment you've been waiting for is here! Now! On your internets!
Christine and Dennis got schwasties on Easter Eve and tried their best to answer the questions that have been troubling you do deeply. We had SO much to say, so I'll be releasing this episodes in two segments. Here is the first action packed installment for your enjoyment!


Did you cream your pants? I know I did.
Now buy me a beer.

The Camera Whore's Dillema: Butts and Norwegians (NSFW if You Work At Lame Places That Don't Allow Dicks on Your Computer Screen)

I smell something exciting coming! That something is a hybrid Butt and jersey cotton!
No, no, no! Not some used skivvies! It's the chance to be in an American Apparel ad in Butt Magazine!
Apparently you can send in an image for an ad to Butt before the end of May, and they'll be selecting one of the entries to be an ad in the summer issue of the homo rag. It sort of seems like a good PR move for Dov (who apparently isn't hated and skeeved out by all of his models), amid all this sexual harassment bruhaha. I imagine Dov positioned behind his desk/shrine to Terry Richardson (with an extra set of legs popping out on the floor) saying:



"Let's push some of the cottony exploitation on the homos! And we'll have them take the pictures themselves. God I'm a genius! Bring in the cocaine girl- yeah, the one in the gold leggings!"








What can I say, I'm a sucker for Butt and a deep v (in warm weather I use my chest hair like an assault weapon on the unassuming public), so I just can't say "no" to this proposal. I've always wanted to be in Butt Magazine (it's the final payoff in my dreams of becoming famous), and I could always use a $300 dollars worth of free t-shirts, hoodies, and hotpants...Jesus, I've never been so ready to exploit myself.

Dear Butt and American Apparel- I want to be your ho! I want to be your hairy clotheshorse! Just tell me how!


I know that something like this picture taken in a tipsy fit with my friend Christine would not fly:

While I am indeed wearing nothing but American Apparel in this image, some things are clearly just not right for the assignment.
Let's rundown the issues, ok?
1) The girl needs to get out- Butt has no room for ladies.
2) The Mickey hat, while charming, would not make the Disney suits happy if they saw in a magazine full of exposed cock.
3) What the hell is up with my face?
4) The background of the picture should be more minimal- Butt and AA hardly ever have a lot of fuss going on in their picture (unless its body hair).
5) THERE IS NO NUDITY/TEASING VIEWS OF NAUGHTY BITS!

My main conundrum is this- do I go traditionally sexy or a little freaky for Butt? After all a single photo spread for them can range from this:
...to this:
...which only complicates matters more. Basically, this shows that I could do something pretty run-of-the-mill, me in a shirt and some briefs just looking scruffy in attractive OR get a closeup of my balls hanging out of some shiny gold hotpants. Regardless, whatever path I go it has to be the BEST (there's so much at stake...) and it also has to be a little dirty. After all, this is a publication where even text only ads are pretty filthy.
See:
So this is where you fine readers come in. We're going to play a game called "Let's Pretend To Be A Gay Dov Charney", in which you post a comment or shoot me an email naming a position and an article of clothing and I get to be your little photo whore so I can be a photo whore for thousands of gay men across the globe- hopefully your suggestions will help me win the title of sad sad jersey cotton clad homosexual of the year and a spot in Butt. This will basically be the closest I'll ever get to becoming a sex worker, but it's in the name of superb queer publications and free clothes so I'm ok with it. Has my soul been tarnished? I don't want to think about it...


While looking for some inspiro I found the blog of Marcelo Krasilcic, who took some pictures for the winter issue of Butt. His pictures are pretty amusing. He seems to have a fixation on brightly colored plasticine objects, which he makes into childish monsters:...or uses to frame a bevy of attractive models:
The images aren't life changing or anything, but they're quite fun and very chic. Check out his site- its worth a brief gander.


And finally!
I'm excited to announce that Hanne Hukkelberg will be performing in Chicago at Schuba's tonight!
She's a total gem from Norway! I suggest you check out her music now.
In fact, why not start here? Here's a really lovely animated music video for her song "A Cheater's Armoury":

I'll be posting pictures from the concert soon. Hopefully I'll get to shake her hand and touch one of her magical music bottles.

Untill then...