Monday, March 17, 2008

The Camera Whore's Dillema: Butts and Norwegians (NSFW if You Work At Lame Places That Don't Allow Dicks on Your Computer Screen)

I smell something exciting coming! That something is a hybrid Butt and jersey cotton!
No, no, no! Not some used skivvies! It's the chance to be in an American Apparel ad in Butt Magazine!
Apparently you can send in an image for an ad to Butt before the end of May, and they'll be selecting one of the entries to be an ad in the summer issue of the homo rag. It sort of seems like a good PR move for Dov (who apparently isn't hated and skeeved out by all of his models), amid all this sexual harassment bruhaha. I imagine Dov positioned behind his desk/shrine to Terry Richardson (with an extra set of legs popping out on the floor) saying:

"Let's push some of the cottony exploitation on the homos! And we'll have them take the pictures themselves. God I'm a genius! Bring in the cocaine girl- yeah, the one in the gold leggings!"

What can I say, I'm a sucker for Butt and a deep v (in warm weather I use my chest hair like an assault weapon on the unassuming public), so I just can't say "no" to this proposal. I've always wanted to be in Butt Magazine (it's the final payoff in my dreams of becoming famous), and I could always use a $300 dollars worth of free t-shirts, hoodies, and hotpants...Jesus, I've never been so ready to exploit myself.

Dear Butt and American Apparel- I want to be your ho! I want to be your hairy clotheshorse! Just tell me how!

I know that something like this picture taken in a tipsy fit with my friend Christine would not fly:

While I am indeed wearing nothing but American Apparel in this image, some things are clearly just not right for the assignment.
Let's rundown the issues, ok?
1) The girl needs to get out- Butt has no room for ladies.
2) The Mickey hat, while charming, would not make the Disney suits happy if they saw in a magazine full of exposed cock.
3) What the hell is up with my face?
4) The background of the picture should be more minimal- Butt and AA hardly ever have a lot of fuss going on in their picture (unless its body hair).

My main conundrum is this- do I go traditionally sexy or a little freaky for Butt? After all a single photo spread for them can range from this: this:
...which only complicates matters more. Basically, this shows that I could do something pretty run-of-the-mill, me in a shirt and some briefs just looking scruffy in attractive OR get a closeup of my balls hanging out of some shiny gold hotpants. Regardless, whatever path I go it has to be the BEST (there's so much at stake...) and it also has to be a little dirty. After all, this is a publication where even text only ads are pretty filthy.
So this is where you fine readers come in. We're going to play a game called "Let's Pretend To Be A Gay Dov Charney", in which you post a comment or shoot me an email naming a position and an article of clothing and I get to be your little photo whore so I can be a photo whore for thousands of gay men across the globe- hopefully your suggestions will help me win the title of sad sad jersey cotton clad homosexual of the year and a spot in Butt. This will basically be the closest I'll ever get to becoming a sex worker, but it's in the name of superb queer publications and free clothes so I'm ok with it. Has my soul been tarnished? I don't want to think about it...

While looking for some inspiro I found the blog of Marcelo Krasilcic, who took some pictures for the winter issue of Butt. His pictures are pretty amusing. He seems to have a fixation on brightly colored plasticine objects, which he makes into childish monsters:...or uses to frame a bevy of attractive models:
The images aren't life changing or anything, but they're quite fun and very chic. Check out his site- its worth a brief gander.

And finally!
I'm excited to announce that Hanne Hukkelberg will be performing in Chicago at Schuba's tonight!
She's a total gem from Norway! I suggest you check out her music now.
In fact, why not start here? Here's a really lovely animated music video for her song "A Cheater's Armoury":

I'll be posting pictures from the concert soon. Hopefully I'll get to shake her hand and touch one of her magical music bottles.

Untill then...


Oryx said...

Gold hotpants, bare wall, keep the mickey hat, red track suit top, lose the shirt, sneakers without socks. Bonus points if you can snap it with a polaroid.

You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

just a stripy scarf with matching stripy tube socks and aviators.

q: what did the naked gay hipster say about butt magazine?

a: ughh. You don't know?

Adrian said...

Put glitter in your stache and wear rhinestone, grape-smuggler tights!

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