Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pre-Valentines Day Joy Fest: Singles Regressing & Coked-Out-Fish-Ass Couple Edition

Hey kiddies! Ready for another blast from the past?
Let's take a tv time machine back to the 80's and warm our frosty winter hearts!

Here we goooooo!

Isn't that the most charming, heart warming sight you've ever seen? I daresay it's even more affecting than the sight of one of China's endangered pandas. Ladies and gents without real valentines, I suggest you watch this video over and over again tomorrow and avoid any trite V-day self pity. That terrible trend needs to fly out the window- it's practically begging big businessness to create its own holiday (national Ben and Jerry's ice cream social day? Kleenex and Blockbuster day? What else am I gonna do, might as well get a mopey oil change at Jiffy Lube Day?).
No, we will have none of that! We will watch big bird, and fill our hearts with a joy that can only be brought on by this video and perhaps Christ's love (if you're into that sort of thing).
And did I mention that it's a mini Chinese lesson (I hope you gathered that from your viewing...Wo Ai Ni, anybody?)? God, why did I go to college when I could have just continued to watch Sesame Street after I turned 6.
THAT realization if far more sad than coming to terms with the fact that there will be no prix fixe dinners, diamonds, or fucking going on tomorrow night.

Ah, student loans! We'll be together forever....

If you are going to be humping all night tomrrow (in the event that you have Butterfish from your romantic dinner shooting out your pooper), I suggest you do a few lines, throw on this little known disco gem, and boink your shitty coupled heads off!

Ah! A sweet toe tapping disco ode to a man who can really deliver. Turn on Nightfall's superb tune, and you're bound to have a steamy night that will transport you and your lover to a paradise not seen since the Paradise Garage.
I, however, must present a fair warning... If your man can't actually keep it up and deliver (make you feel "10 feet tall", eh?), this could descend into a teribble and uncomfortable end to the night...ESPECIALLY if you kicked it off by ordering that


All in all, I predict that singles will be the winners in the 2008 Valentine's Day Fight to the DEATH!

I mean, really...

Which one would you rather make sweet V-day love to, anyway?
(And, no, Fred Rodgers does not count, you pervert! Shame on you for thinking such thoughts.)



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