Get Floozed.

Behold! The newest installment of Floozy FAQ!

Got problems?
Mail them to den.webber@gmail.com

Alternative Musicology: Screwy Music History From Bosch on Public Transit

A few months ago I attended a concert at the Chicago Symphony with a friend, and Shostakovitch's second cello concerto was on the program. The piece is intense, using the solo cello as a representation of a semi-autobiographical figure weaving through a Russia reconstructed through memories. After a pretty tortured first and second movement, the third movement is an curious amalgam of mini-themes and musical bits that interrupt each other in an endless hunt for a cadence. Occasionally the orchestra would break from a heavy string passage to this thumping 4/4 beat accompanied by heavy bass backing and a tambourine hitting the off-beats. This enormous musical shift made my friend and I suddenly turn and look at each other- it sounded so modern, so out of place, so much like...hip hop? Could that be? Was this some practical joke? But the theme came back again, with the same familiar sound balance and stomp that sounded like it came from an old De La Soul album. I finally picked up a recording of this baffling piece, and was compelled to share this curious passage with the world in order to prove that Shostakovitch invented hip hop.
Enjoy-

A Shot of Floozy FAQ

Here's a mini episode made from the second taping session of FLOOZY FAQ tackling the sensitive subject of lisps.

Quite moving, no?
Listen kids, we're low on questions for the new episode- so you fuckers better get some problems and mail more questions to den.webber@gmail or we'll be sad and poor this April (we do get paid for this you know...).

Taft Wasn't Just a President- It Was Also Precious

Behold, blog readers! The most amazing piece of uintentional video art ever made!

The background music, the bizarre metaphor, the masterfully modern framing, the name (my GOD, the name)- Precious Taft was an undiscovered 80s gem.

Natural Histories: Eating Habits in the Everglades

According to a report from BBC news, a non-native python exploded while eating a whole alligator in the Florida Everglades. This story is super-dear to my heart- a tale of gluttony and grotesque animal interactions set in the hinterland of my homeland, sweet sweet Florida. Plus, the snapshot of the carnage totally looks like a metal album cover.

Pretty hardcore, right? The gator got posthumous revenge and RIPPED RIGHT THROUGH THAT FUCKER!

Gator sightings are nothing unusual for me- we once had a wee gator take a dip our pool at home, you can see them on every Florida golf course, and once a good family friend was called in by the police to identify an alligator she saw while running that later attacked and killed an old man (really, I'm not joking. Alligator homicide is the real deal in the F-L-A).

This little bit of BBC "badassery in nature" is actually a bit distressing though; it is actually a hardcore Aesop fable for the ecological shitstorm of modern times. The truth is that the pythons of the Everglades are only there because the serpent pets of hick kids in the Florida swamps got loose- they were never there before- that's yet another unfortunate imbalance in an ecosystem that's suffering from all the fucked up things the state government allows to happen to the 'glades. The news story is basically a mini-metaphor for the encroachment on swampy wonderland. I remember when I used to travel with my family to visit my grandmother from the West to the East coast along "Alligator Alley", a long highway that cuts through the state which gets its name for the reptiles that litter the swamps on the sides of the roads, I would pass the time on the drive by counting each alligators I saw- it was a long-ass drive. Now, crossing the state a lot of that gator land has been lost to new shitty Florida housing developments and other insta-build shitholes. It's actually pretty sad to see your home state go from a fucked up paradise to a fucked up stripmall due to the appetite of the proverbial python of "progress".

Perhaps once the endtimes come (so soon!) the gators will burst from our bellies and reclaim their homeland. In the meantime, I suppose people on those terrible touristy airboats should be more afraid of falling into the water and getting swallowed by a snake than getting chomped by an alligators.

Qui Etes Vous, Floozy FAQ Episode 2?

Part One of Episode 2 is finally here! Rejoice!


The second part will be coming soon.
Keep mailing your problems to den.webber@gmail.com- we're here to help.

Also! I promise I'll be doing some more serious updating on here soon. I feel like a deadbeat braindead dad to this blog.
I promise I'll make it better, son...I promise...




In the meantime I have to share my EXPLOSIVE EXCITEMENT over the upcoming criterion release (the first ever on DVD in the US...with Mr. Freedom too!!!) of classic 60's fashion satire, QUI ETES VOUS POLLY MAGOO!

I have been waiting for this moment for aaaaaaages. Please have a sneak peak at the opening scene in which French society ladies marvel at a mod mod modern "fashion" show featuring girls wearing what looks to be mangled slides from a playground-

Qui Etes Vous...is one of those films that manages to both subvert the fashion scene of its time while also being undeniably fresh and chic on its own terms.

Oooh oooh oooh Polly Magoo!
I'll be sure to put on my face when I go out and buy you!

The Good Moment Monday

Recent mailings for The Good Moment from Megan-


1. Adieu Fair Sailor



2. Grave Neighbors

3. The Final Romper

It's really quite exciting receiving these mystery mailings, and it's also great to see that somebody else has started sending out pictures.

Megan gets a gold star- and what great finds, too!

Email me at den.webber@gmail.com if you wish to join The Good Moment.

The Good Moment- New Items

Here are the latest pictures sent out for The Good Moment:


1. Graduation



2. Bulgaria



3. Math Teacher Misses Man


4. Fashion Police in Greece




Hope you had a GOOOOOD MOMENT!
Email me at den.webber@gmail.com if you want to join the fun.

Ailing Frozen Hunk-Schnitzel: Gay Porn Star Blog Review (will this turn into a series?) and Scary German Foodstuffs

Some of you may have heard of Eric Rhodes from various Marc Jacobs Gossip Reports or from a steady diet of gay porn (guess which camp I fall into). The hunky porno prince got a little spot on Gawker today, in which he received a wee bit o' pity from the site after being mocked in the prime of Jacobs-gate- giving him a sad hunk grunt status in their eyes. I suppose picking up a meth habit, a word weary outlook on life, and a heap of porno-regret is a surefire way to turn your 15 minute moonlight in Page Six, into a Dickensian dick filled shoddy redemption tale. I wish I could look at his blog with the same puppy dog eyes, but the onslaught of sex and drug fueled tales, which read like a sloppy high school dropout Edmund White, and amusing bits of unintentional hilarity leave me out of the pity party. And frankly, I feel that the urge to leave any encouragement in a comment or have a teardrop for him in my heart is probably just linked to my long running desire to bone him. Regardless the peculiarity of the super-voyeurism inherent in reading a porn star's blog has become my proverbial meth addiction on my afternoon of interneting.

Some of the amusing gems contained on Rhodes' recent entries are as follows:

1.

He models for Loehmann's?

2.

Rants about the porn industry and how it's sucked the life out of him are followed by exciting listings of his Grabby Porn Award nominations including:

"BEST RIMMING SCENE"

It's a vicious cycle, people...

3.

His recent lovelorn posts are not about Jacobs, no, no, no; he is heartbroken over his recent ex Danny Dias from MTV's Road Rules/Gauntlet/Inferno/Battle for Dignity/Oh God Why Did We Do This Show Battle. Do you remember him? This little plucky shit-

I don't know if you used to be addicted to those shows as much as I was, but if you didn't get the pleasure of seeing his infantile visage assaulting you from your TV, I must tell you that he was one of the most ANNOYING PEOPLE EVER ON MTV- which is, frankly, quite a fear since the dawn of The Hills. I hunted everywhere on the internet to find a video of him pitching a hissy, just so you could see HOW FUCKING OBNOXIOUS he was, but alas I have failed. He is so terrible that people wanted to erase him from the collective memory and keep him off of youtube.

If this twink o' terror spawned by MTV reality shows is your salvation from drugs and rimming awards, this, THIS is your true tragedy Erik Rhodes.

4.

The melodrama of his life-on-blog is enhanced by a soundtrack of Rhodes selected songs, which have the same deliciously terrible effect as an Evanescence song backing a tween show from a few years ago. The pain curated for our ears only makes his life seem that much more painful.
Perhaps you should pick up some Galaxie 500, Erik? Maybe that might change everything...

Still, it's pretty sad to see somebody spiral downward. BUT HASN'T ANYBODY LEARNED ANYTHING FROM PORNSTARS PAST/BOOGIE NIGHTS!?!

Why do these people have to start blogs and make me feel bad about my masturbation habits? I guess that's another case for amateur...

MOVING ON!

Some image algebra:

Martin Parr

+

Processed Foods

+

Germany

=

This amazing site, in which a German dude compares the images of processed preprepared German foods to the rather disgusting reality.

"Hey! When did my 'Seehecht Filet' turn into my hangover face?!?"

It's actually a semi-brilliant/disconcerting look on how packaging can be a distraction from how FUCKING DISGUSTING contemporary packaged foods can be.

Yech.

I wonder what Balut packaging would be like!

"Oh, this place looks cute!"

"OH GOD, NO!"

Happy Friday!

FLOOZY FAQ - EPISODE ONE PART DEUX

Floozy FAQ is officially everybody's favorite new internet show. This shit's hotter than Chris Crocker. This shits hotter than prisoners dancing to "Thriller". This shit's hotter than Al Gore...

Anyway, here is the second part of our debut episode. I warn you now- it's ten times more raunchy than the last one...

The next episode will be coming soon, but we need you to keep us going. Send your burning questions to den.webber@gmail.com, and help out two hot drunk things.
...two hot drunk things that WON'T QUIT!